


How not to have sex.

by kitsune45



Series: Lessons in the do's and don'ts of sex. [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Will be Dwalin/Thorin later in the series, embarrassed Thorin, failing at sex, or attempted, talk of sex at a whore house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 09:13:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1299583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsune45/pseuds/kitsune45
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin and Dwalin had gone to a whore house, only for Thorin the night did not end with pleasure. The next morning he must face Dis, and explain why he was home late and why he has a concussion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How not to have sex.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a quick beginning to the series, as it goes on it will be Dwalin and Thorin.

Thorin had no wish to reply the night before, how could one of his standing even have managed such a thing! Each day people did it and yet when he tried to any grace he had seemed to leave, and leave in the worst way. Dis was not going to let him down that was something he knew, the small bump on his head would be the least of his worry s once she awoke and asked why he'd come back to late and was not allowed to leave the house for a few days. Sighing Thorin stood and walked to the kitchen, it was best to face the problem head on and maybe if he did Dis would allow him some slack. Though if Dwalin ever got word of it than he'd live the rest of his life hearing the story over and over.

“Good morning,” walking into the kitchen he sat down and pulled the mug of tea closer. “Are Kili and Fili still sleeping?” 

“They are” replied Dis working at the cooker. “Silly things thought they could stay up till you came back, thought you where of fighting some big bad orc.” Snorting Dis placed a bowl of porridge on the table before getting her own. “Speaking of which...where the hell did you even go last night? And what in Mahal name happen to your head, you look like you've been bashed over by a hammer.”

“Well you see,” Thorin thought for a moment before coming up with a little lie. “I fell while working in the forge. I thought nothing of it but when I went to the pub I still had a head ache, turns out I have a concussion.” 

“Right” Dis rolled her eyes and smirked a little. “Than tell me why did our neighbour see you and Dwalin walking into a whore house?”

“Do you really need me to give you the talk?” asked Thorin. “Because as a mother of two, I'd assume you'd know how things work.”

“If you don't tell me, than I am going to ask Dwalin to go into that house and ask for the story. Because ether you've gotten in trouble there, or you dear brother need the talk” chuckling Dis put her spoon down and waited for an answer. “And don't lie, otherwise I'll tell the story to Kili and Fili when they're old enough.” 

Thorin' eyes went wide knowing all to well that Dis would do that, but admitting what had happened was a little much for him. Sighing he placed his spoon down to and placed his hands on the table lacing his fingers together. Maybe if he just got it out of the way it'd be easier.

“I,” swallowing down a little of his pride Thorin looked at his hands. “I managed to fall of the bed while removing my trousers.” The words left a bitter taste in his mouth and Thorin could hear Dis trying to muffle her giggles.

“You, oh mahal you fell of the bed?!” Dis could no longer hold back her laughter. “Thorin how did that even happen! Let alone fall hard enough to get concussion.” 

“I hit the bedside table first, then the floor” mumbled Thorin hearing a gasp behind him he turned quickly only to see Dwalin stood in the door way smirking. “Don't tell me you heard that to? And why are you even in here? Don't you knock any more?”

“Not when I did not see you come out of that place, aye now I know why” Dwalin joined in Dis' laughing. “Mahal Thorin, that is the second time you've fucked up in a whore house!” Clutching the door frame Dwalin kept on laughing.

“Second?” Dis was whipping tears away from her eyes only for them to begin once more when she heard that it was not the first. 

“Aye, first time he passed out drunk before the lass undressed” replied Dwalin. “Poor lass was so outrage we had to tip her for just letting him sleep on there for the night. Cheaper for just an inn.”

“Ma?” asked Fili coming into the kitchen rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he passed Dwalin. “Wh” yawning Fili shook his head, “Why is everyone laughing?”

“Nothing sweet heart, just adults talking. Is Kili up yet?” Dis smiled at her oldest and went to make sure the food was still warm. 

“No,” stretching a little Fili woke up a little. “Oh good morning Mr. Dwalin.” 

“Morning lad” Dwalin ruffled Fili hair a little as he went to take a seat at the kitchen table.

“Go wake him up then and I'll get you food ready,” watching Fili leave the room once more Dis turned to Thorin with a smile. “Next time, trousers of before the bed Thorin we don't want you hurting yourself worse next time.”


End file.
